Unorganized Updates

Claire and Kenna are still enjoying making movies in their spare time...

Koralee is still enjoying being a teenager....

I am still treated to a Mothers Day Breakfast in bed every year...

She is still my Mother's Day Breakfast in bed view...

This is still really cool in my opinion... 

He is still not 41....

Happy Big 42 Dano.  I love you :)

A Tale of Hamburger

Once upon a time there was a stuffed basketball named Hamburger.
Hamburger was a loyal friend to Miss Claire.  A true friend.  A prized friend.
So prized, in fact, that Hamburger was even treated to traditionally only-for-humans safety precautions.

Hamburger and the amazing Miss Claire liked to play on the trampoline together with Bobbie Jo, Henry and the rest of the crew.  

They would talk about their day.  They would laugh.  They would relax.  They would ponder.

Until one day Hamburger decided to go exploring, over the backyard fence, where Mutt and Curly lived.  Mutt was a big dog.  A very big dog.  So big that he could break through fences.  Really.  

Claire and Amy ran over the river and through the woods around the corner to try and save Hamburger.  They ran quickly and in their pajamas.  They knocked and knocked.  But Mutt's daddy was not home.  

It didn't take Mutt long to see Hamburger lying on the ground.  Mutt liked Hamburger.  So much, in fact, that Mutt dismantled Hamburger to see what was inside that made him so special.  

Then Mutt walked away and left Hamburger to figure out how to get his special insides back inside.  

Claire cried, because she loved Hamburger.  

So Danny, the gentle dog whisperer, went with Claire back over the river and through the woods around the corner to Mutt's gate.  Mutt liked Danny's gentle ways.  So much, in fact, that Mutt let Danny in the gate to retrieve Hamburger.  

The prognosis was grim.  

But Miss Claire had hope.  

And a good surgeon on her team. 

They worked and worked. 

And before too long...

Hamburger was Hamburger again...

Only different....but still the same.

There is nothing on this earth more to be prized than true friendship.

Thomas Aquinas

Rambling Flowers and Four Eyes

I will be in monumental trouble if I do not remember to post this momentous occasion on my blog. 

It took nearly an hour for her to settle on this pair.  

As usual, Claire knows Claire better than anyone else.  

One eye is near-sighted with a stigmatism, the other far-sighted. Further proof that Claire even refuses to allow her vision problems to fit into the norm.

I finally hit the they-are-my-favorite-flowers-an-orange-daisy-jackpot....btw, their 'fancy' flower dictionary name is Osteospermum hybrid.

I have a lot of dreams lately.  Dreams are always teaching us something, did you know that? They are not just random 'did I have too much spicy food before bedtime?' fluff.  

I am frighteningly obsessed with the youtube video "My Valentine" by Paul McCartney featuring Natalie Portman and Johnny Depp.  While Natalie does nothing for me I felt it important to acknowledge her. But Johnny Depp now.... his unusual uniqueness without concern for the opinions of others intrigues me greatly....  that and his tattoos.  

I am more grateful for my little family every day.

PS:  Alan, you can buy a ring on our website....;)

Have a good day.

Amen.

The Day I Became Not A Mormon Anymore

I didn't wake up one morning and just decide to become not a Mormon anymore.
For me, it came on gradually and my journey actually began a lot earlier than I realized.

Like the day Danny and I randomly went out to lunch at Brick Oven in the middle of the week years ago.  Something we do not normally do, ever.   We were seated next to a table filled with what looked to be a group of business men and women.  They were discussing much, and loudly, so it was impossible to eat my meal without being a part of what they were saying.
Their discussion and occupations were very clearly connected to BYU sports.  So my mind did it's best to tune all of it out.  BYU sports and I are not bosom companions, in fact, we do not even know or like each other.  (I will admit to a stint of interest in 1984, but that is only because my 14 year old mind thought Robbie Bosco was hot).
But suddenly, their conversations turned to money and funding and suddenly my ears perked up, and turned red.
One of the men in the group began talking about what portion of the sports program was funded by church tithing money.  I felt a ball of hot anger in my stomach that would not go away.  Tithing money!?  Funding BYU sports programs?!  This was not okay with me.  It was NOT.
But I swallowed my anger and frustration.  It is not up to me to decide how that money is spent, it is just my job to give it.  Tithing is fire insurance, I kept repeating over and over in my head.  Just like I had been taught.  I didn't want to get in trouble with the church for questioning, so I didn't.  But the ball of hot anger never subsided, I felt it every time I wrote a tithing check on Sunday morning.

Or the day when I had to confess to my college ward Bishop all of my dating mis-deeds with a certain young man I was desperate to hold on to.  Because I was, after all 22, nearly an old maid by Mormon standards.  If I didn't desperately hold on to him, I may never marry!  So to keep him happy and content, he and I made out.  A lot.
And if I wanted to be worthy again, I had to go re-live all of those 'dirty' experiences by telling them to my bishop, someone who was a virtual stranger to me, because someone told me he was in charge of fixing what was bad about me.
Two weeks after re-living those experiences to him in vivid detail, I went back to my bishop, like he asked me to.  And when I sat down in his office chair, he couldn't remember much if anything at all of what we had talked about two weeks prior.
I asked him what I needed to do to fix this.
He told me, oh, you're fine, just stop thinking about it and don't ever do it again.  Then he sent me out the door.
Stop thinking about it!?  YOU are the one who made me re-tell it in vivid detail, humiliating enough in it's own right.
Don't do it again?!  What the...?!

Or the many days I sat in Fast and Testimony meeting and listened to everyone who went up to the pulpit tell me in strong and glorious detail of how they KNOW this church is true.  They KNOW it.  They had amazing visions, experiences and revelations.  I felt small.  Because I never knew it, ever.
I prayed to know it.  I studied the scriptures hoping to know it.  I listened.  I obeyed.  I followed every rule (right up until I discovered making out in college).  But I still, never knew.  I NEVER KNEW.

So these and other experiences left me believing I was fundamentally flawed.
A Mormon dope.
I was not okay with my hard-earned tithing money going to a sports program I neither believed in nor liked.  BYU sports is agressive, fight inducing (ie: U of U) and not important in the grand scheme of life.  I was NOT OKAY WITH IT.
I was not okay with someone telling me I had to confess my 'sins' to a Bishop who was wholly and completely unconnected with who I am.
I was not okay with pretending I had a testimony just to get by or fit in.

Then one day I nearly lost my middle child to something I could not understand at the time and our little family was jolted into working on things that we had never looked into before.
And during this process, a light turned on inside of me.
I realized....
It is okay to not be okay with where my hard earned money is being given through tithing.  It is.
It is okay to believe that I was never dirty in the first place for making out with that guy I so desperately wanted to hang onto but didn't really like that much in the first place.
It is okay to not have a testimony.
It is okay to question.
It is okay to say, this is NOT OKAY WITH ME.

I realized that for my whole life, I was only staying a Mormon, because I was afraid not to.
Somewhere along the way, I had stopped listening to my heart and was instead listening to rules and regulations that I truly did not believe in, because I was afraid not to.

Yesterday we got a call that changed my life forever.  It empowered me in a way I never realized it would.
The call was from my one time Mormon bishop to tell me that the process was complete and our records were now in fact removed from LDS church membership.
14,441,346 -5


You did it! My soul shouted, as I hung up the phone.  
You remembered who you really are!
You walked through the single biggest fear you have ever walked through and you did not back down.  
Fear, judgment, rejection, mocking and gossiping be damned.  
You did not back down and you completed what your heart had been screaming at you to do since you were a child!
You remembered that you are not fear, you never have been. 


And for the first time in my life, I believed, honestly truly believed what my soul had known all along. 
I have never been dirty.  I have never been bad.  I have never owed the Lord cash to keep from being burned.  No one has the power to 'fix' my life but me.  All of the answers I need are already inside of me.  I do not need to look to a leader to direct my path.   
All of these things have been true my whole life, I was just too afraid to believe it.


And yesterday, inside, deep down, I danced, like I had never danced before. 


Freedom from fear is beautiful.  
I finally KNOW.  
See, Jesus never really wanted me for a sunbeam to shine for HIM....he just wanted me to remember who I am so I can be a sunbeam to shine for ME. 

(DISCLAIMER:  THIS IS MY TRUTH THAT I NEEDED TO SPEAK ON MY BLOG.  I AM NOT FORCING THIS TRUTH ON ANYONE ELSE.  SO PLEASE DO NOT INTERPRET THIS AS A MOCKERY OF WHAT YOU BELIEVE AND MOUNT A NEW ATTACK OR SEND THE MISSIONARIES MY WAY...  I CHOOSE NOT TO EXPEND ANOTHER SECOND OF MY ENERGY WALKING THROUGH THAT KIND OF STUFF WITH ANYONE AGAIN.)

Lightly Treading Taxes and Flowers

On my way home from meeting with our tax lady on Tuesday, I stopped at a local nursery to check if my all time favorite flower was available for sale yet. My yard is desperately needing it's lovely orange happiness.
It wasn't there yet.
As I was leaving, because I was empty handed, the clerk asked if I had had trouble finding what I needed.
I told her I am probably just too early, I'm sure you will have it soon.
"What were you looking for in particular?", she asked.
I told her it was my favorite flower, a pretty orange daisy.
She responded, "Oh, is it a Osteoparitia Nasperadarium Flowapoticus?" or something like that.

I stood looking at her blankly for a moment and then with all of the 'I have no idea what the Hades you just said' dignity I could muster, I said "Um, it's my favorite flower, it's orange, it's a daisy."

I am studying flower dictionaries now so I don't get caught off guard on my next visit.

This week we watched several showings of "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat" with the youth theater here in town.

I have to say, they did an AMAZING job.  Really.  It's my new favorite play of all time.

I am happy it is warmer and that flowers and leaves are making a reappearance on the earth.

I am happy that taxes are done for another year.
I apologize to any of the young people dressed as the statue of liberty standing on the side of the road waving a sign reminding me that 'taxes need done and we can do it here for you!' that I may have flipped off in my frustration.  Okay, I never really flipped them off, but I wanted to.  That reminder just gets to me for some reason.

I am happy that, unless they were lying to us, there are only 10 more days until the biggest accomplishment of our lives is complete and finalized. 14,441,346 -5

This is Lilly showing you that I am treading lightly with this blog post.
I hope you noticed.

The Long Road Home

When I was young I remember my mom taking us on drives in the car a lot.  Most often to go watch for trains.  Sometimes out around Utah Lake.  Sometimes just nowhere.  6 kids loaded into the old tan Oldsmobile sans seat belts pretending we were operating specific functions on the 'Batmobile' while we drove with the wind hitting us in the face.

When I was a teenager, my brother Aaron and I used to take drives in the car a lot.  We would drive and talk about life and things.  Even though he was younger than me, he always drove, in his mustang, because I didn't get my license until I was 20 (gasp!).  He had a CB radio in his car, we had a lot of fun using and listening to that CB radio.

When I was college age and dating, I used to take drives in the car a lot.  To clear my head, to think, to figure out why that guy that just broke up with me was such a jerk, or just to listen to the radio and breathe.

When I was Amy right now, I still take drives in the car a lot.  Sometimes with my kids.  Sometimes with Danny.  Sometimes with Lilly (though she ruins the whole experience with her canine paranoia).  Sometimes just with Amy.

Yesterday, true to my upbringing, I took the long road home from the post office.
It involved a tour through the backroads of Salem.
Because if you take a drive, it always has to be on the backroads.  It cannot be on the road where everyone drives 300 mph and gestures lovingly at you if you are in front of them and do not feel like improving your Nascar racing skills along with them.  
You cannot think well driving Nascar.
On this drive, I cleared my head, I breathed, I let go.

When I got home from the long road, I found Danny, Kenna and Claire sitting at the kitchen table doing math homework.  Danny was sweating bullets and crying and both girls sat slumped in their chairs, defeated with their heads in their hands.
"This is dumb!"  Danny exclaimed.  "I have no idea how to teach this to them!"
And since it was Algebra and I never did figure out why we needed to add an x, y, or z to math equations in the first place, I had no idea either.

"If you guys took Algebra in school and don't remember it, and never use it, then why do I have to learn it now!?  It obviously isn't useful!" McKenna exclaimed.
Claire grunted in agreement.  She was too worn out from defeat to say words.

Her question was valid.  In fact, more than valid and I did not have an answer for her.

As I thought about her question, I remembered my drive.

Most of the things I drive and think about are things I am learning or going through that make no sense or do not seem useful...right now.

Light and Heavy

Did you know that it is only possible to get pomegranates from October - January?  I didn't.  And to think of all the time I wasted all through the month of February trying to find more.  Apparently, we have to move to the Southern Hemisphere if we want them year round.  I've got Danny working on that. Southern Hemisphere sounds exotic and they have pomegranates whenever I want them.  Good deal.

My last post was kind of heavy.  I think.  But it had to be said.  So I said it.   I can always tell the heaviness of my posts by the lack thereof of comments to said post in comparison to the visits to the post.

(this is my best heavy discussion face...though I think Judy's expression is ruining the serious impact of it)

My favorite holiday is the 4th of July, because there is no snow involved.

My favorite color is orange, because it is happy.  When I was a kid, I was always embarrassed to admit that orange was my favorite color.  It seemed too unusual and old people like.  So whenever my friends asked, I just said green, in order to fit in.  I don't care about how I fit anymore.  Orange is the bees knees.

The only not-a-mormon-anymore thing I plan to do is get a tattoo.  Oh ya, I said it.
Don't worry, you will never see where it is or when it happens.  Probably.

I will never lie to you about what I believe or why I 'did it'.  If you ask me a question, I will tell you the answer.  Just no one ever asked.

This is the only picture of my backside that I like.

Are you looking at my butt!?

Sometimes, when we step out of fear and choose a different path than what others expect, the right path for us, it can seem lonely, empty and sad.
Trust me, I know.
It would have been easier to do what was expected of me.  Easier and safer.
But then I remember that emptying out is only making room for good things yet to come.  If you stay filled up with what isn't working anymore, there is no room for what is meant to be.
Remember that.  I am.

I found this random picture on my memory card.  It is a wagon full of polished rocks looking at a fake nose.  I like to imagine that their wagon came to a screeching halt when they came upon that big nose lying on the ground and the blue rock in the back is yelling "Look at that! What the ****!?"  When I need to laugh, for some reason, this picture works.

Hopefully that is enough light and happy mixed in with heavy, because that is the best I can offer.  My mind is an eclectic mix of both right now and to deny that would be creating a fakey shakey blog.  Which I have never done.  Nor do I plan to do in the future.

Not So Quiet Observations From My Heart

I haven't been blogging.  Did you notice?  Wait, don't answer that.
I have found it difficult to put into words all that I have been feeling lately, really difficult.  I've tried to blog, many times, but I always end up deleting it and walking away from the blog hoping tomorrow I will know what to say and how to say it better.

I have been observing a lot lately.  Observing how we behave toward each other as humans.
For instance, facebook.
I see lots of updates from friends on there with really deep thought provoking quotes and video snippets.  (good and bad)
Some of them remind me not to judge.  Some remind me to pray.  Some remind me what I should be doing.  Some remind me what I should not be doing.  Some reminding me not to get lost.  Some I agree with.  Some I truly do not.

About 3 weeks ago I had to do one of the hardest things I never thought I would.
I had to tell my parents that I had left the LDS church.  They already knew we hadn't been attending church for a while, but they didn't know the depth of our decision.
Hard, not because I felt guilty or doubted our choice, hard because I knew that they would worry.
I had put it off for weeks because I knew that nothing I could say would stop them from worrying, wondering what they did wrong, wondering what they should have said differently.  Worrying and fearing.  

When I was 16 my grandmother left the LDS church too. And even though the circumstances are entirely different, I knew that my choice would be subject to the same scrutiny, fear and judgement that hers was.  I remember that scrutiny and judging back then. As a 16 year old I did not know what to do with all of it.  My grandma didn't go to the LDS church anymore, but I loved her just the same.
But, but...she left the church.....
But, but...she is still my grandma...
Loyalty to the rules of safety and structure by staying with only those of our 'kind' or listen to my heart?

See, I know all of those cute, thought provoking quotes or video snippets are important.  They do remind me.  But as I would watch them, I would wonder if I ever really remember to remember what those attempt to teach me, when it counted most.  Easy to think those are profound and useful when I am not in the heat of the moment.

Our leaving the church elicited a lot of judgement.
To be honest, more than I was actually anticipating.
I've found out that apparently....
Our family is going to hell.
We are lost.
We are associating with the devil.
We are confused.
We are just angry at our fellow ward members because we didn't get enough dinners brought in when we were going through a rough patch and we will get over it.
We are just plain angry at the world.
We will never see each other again after we all die.
We are going to regret it.
We are being blindly led by those with bad motives.
We are stupid.
We don't love God anymore.
I believe there was something about an affair I had mixed in with all that too.

Really?  Wow.  I said.
And even though I knew and KNOW that none of that is true and even though I knew that the judgements were coming from others fears (and I understood why), it still hurt.

And then hearing those judgements made me judge.  A lot.
I judged those who were judging me.
I put up walls.
I put up defenses.
I prepared for attack.

Then one day not very long ago at all, I didn't feel like judging anymore.
Or being angry. Or being defensive.  Or being offish.
It came on so subtly that I didn't even notice really.
It felt good.  Really good actually.

Could it be that my heart is finally starting to rule my head?
Could all of the hard work we have been doing as a family, the tough, and misunderstood choices we have made in walking away from what is being kept hidden and isn't working anymore be sinking into my soul?
I hope so.
I like how the love in my heart thinks better than how the fear in my head does.

These things I KNOW...

Judgements can't hurt me unless I believe them.
I am okay.  100% truly most assuredly okay.  And so are my choices.
I am not lost.
I am not confused.
I am not going to regret anything.
I am not going to hell.  Because there is no such place.
I am not angry.
I am not afraid.
I love God.
I will most definitely be with Danny and Kora and Kenna and Claire again after I die, church member or not, in fact, I will be with whomever I want to then.  So will everyone else. EVERYONE.
I am not being led blindly by others with bad intentions.  Though sometimes...I am led blindly by the lure of chocolate...and I know chocolate has bad intentions for my hips.
I have not had an affair.  Unless people are saying it was with George Clooney, and if so, keep talking it up for me.
And you can be sure I am never ever inviting the devil over for short ribs again...associating with that dude can stir up a lot of talk....

Pomegranate scented nasal spray

A few weeks ago Danny and I went on a date grocery shopping together, on a Saturday.

On that particular Saturday the store was selling Pomegranates.  I had never eaten a pomegranate.

Danny said he thought the pomegranates were kind of expensive,  2 for $5,  so he just got one.  We took it home.

2 days later, Danny came home from work and began eating the pomegranate.  I joined him, because I wanted to try a pomegranate and stand next to him.

I fell in love, with pomegranates (I was already in love with Danny).

So, a few days later, I went to the store to get more pomegranates.  But there were none.  So I went to another store. None.  And another.  None.  Anywhere.  In all of the Spanish Fork tri-city area.
I was sad.
Because I loved them.

Then on another Saturday Danny and I went on another spontaneous short date.  While we were out we passed a new grocery store in Salem.  Pomegranates! I shouted.  I am sure they will have pomegranates.

So we stopped.

And.... they did!

These pomegranates were kind of not expensive, only 2 for $1.  So we bought many, hoping the amazing sale price didn't mean they had rotten findings inside the pomegranate skins.
They were not rotten.
They were lovely.

And I still love them.
And Danny.

And since the best I could come up with today, after weeks of not posting, was a tale of pomegranates, I will leave you with this.
My kids and their friends do funny things in their spare time... and I love it.

The Yucky's and Yay's of Christmas.

I once heard a talk in church in which the speaker said, "It is important that we learn to love others, even when they are not like us.  Loving ourselves is easy, everyone loves themselves.  It would be easy to love everyone if they were all like us."
I sat there and thought about those words for a good long minute, because I felt the need to disagree.
Then I had to call out that statement as a 100% absolute misrepresentation of the truth.
Because it is.
Not true.

The way I see it, if we all loved ourselves, then it would never be hard to love others.
Because there would be no envy, jealousy, gossip, or ....
I'm sure this list of 'would be no's' could run on and on, but I am trying to keep this post as short as possible.

My gift to all of you this year is the invitation to take an honest look at what is keeping you from loving yourself.
I am doing the same.

And now, just for fun, my list of Christmas "Yucky's" and "Yay's"

YUCKY'S
1.  Gift receipts.  I am not sure I understand why anyone would purchase a gift with the intent (as proven by the necessity of a receipt for ease of exchange) of the recipient not liking it and sending it back.
For some reason that says to me, I wanted to get you something because it would be rude not to, but I didn't really put any thought into the crap I plunked down money for.

2.  Snow.  I just don't understand it.   That's all.  Rain would suffice.

3. Hallmark Christmas TV Specials.   Angry spinster scrooge woman OR clunky awkward doughy faced man scorned by love in her/his youth finally finds romance on the ice skating ring on Christmas Eve.   How many different ways can that be written?

4.  Neighbor gifts.  Is it guilt or a genuine love for those we have happened to purchase real estate nearby that prompts us to engage in this yearly nerve-racking ritual?  (note: I disengaged from this ritual this year---sorry to all who had one less plate of sugar delivered to them this time around...)

5.  Christmas caroling.  I am truly sorry to anyone who feels differently.  But this is just the most awkward Christmas ritual I know of.
First, it is cold standing there in your doorway listening.  Second, what on earth do you do with yourself while you are standing there listening?  Third, how do you unawkwardly close out the whole situation when the last note is sung?

6.  The line at the post office.  Please all, take this friendly advice from one who has to be at the post office every day during the Christmas season....It is most acceptable to have your m&m's and mittens for cousin Jane BOXED and ready to go before you step foot in the line.    Unpreparedness was so bad this year I almost stood in line crying under my breath a few times...  The only thing that stopped me was knowledge of the security cameras pointed right at me.


YAY'S
1.  A live Christmas Tree in my home.  I could sit and smell it all day long. It makes me feel cozy just knowing it is there.

2.  Christmas lights.  In fact, I love those so much I keep them up in random locations in my home through the year.  My favorite Christmas lights are in the laundry room hanging above the washer and dryer.  Just ask Danny, I can often be found in that room with just the Christmas lights on sitting down on the floor plunk in front of the dryer watching the drum spin around and around.  (In front of a warm running dryer is where I think my best thoughts).  

3.  Fireplaces.  I wish I had one again.

4.  My little family.  I love them now more than ever before.  To me, they are what saves Christmas.
Their genuine desire for better in a world that sometimes feels hopelessly unreal and fake for me.

You say my yay's are shorter than my yucks?...I am Bah humbug?....It is possible....

May you all be able to sleep in longer than 7 a.m. on Christmas morning.
May you all be able to unwrap at least one present you didn't expect to receive.
May you all be warm and happy.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!